The feeling

Christine keeps asking me how I feel. “Are you ready, are you nervous, does it feel real?” I don’t know how to answer that sometimes. I can’t really define one feeling that I have. But I’m excited. I’m happy and really looking forward to it. I’ve always dreamed about raising a family with the person I love. But, there is a feeling that I do get. This feeling that you get a few times in your lifetime that is so… I don’t know how to explain it, but I can tell you when it happens. The most recent time I felt this “feeling” was when I saw this picture for the first time.

I guess going into the appointment, I felt like I knew what to expect. I’ve seen it on tv, in the movies. Everyone gets emotional and excited. And I was expecting to feel that way. When I saw the screen, I was like, “Ok cool, wow, super” But what really hit me, what really just knocked me out was when the technician turned up the volume and I heard the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my life. It was the sound of my child’s heartbeat. MY CHILD!!! MY… MY CHILD!!!! Ok then I started freaking out. But in a good way. In a way like, “Wow, I did this. This is mine. I am responsible for this. I'm going to be a daddy.” You know when you expect things and you see it through in your head, but then when it actually comes true, you just forget about how you picture them and it just happens.

The last time I had this feeling was when I first saw my wife for the first time in her wedding dress and she was walking down the aisle. We had a rehearsal the day before and planned it out months in advance, but the feeling you get when it happens for real is indescribable. Our first kiss. I thought about it and imagine what I would say, pretend to be smooth, hide the nervousness and know what I was doing, but when it happens, you forget everything and it just happens.